Every grief is different

 

It’s been a year and a half since the passing of my spouse and now I can step back and look at my journey through the grieving process. I can compare this loss with earlier loses and see the differences and changes.

 

When my father died I thought I knew what grief was all about and how to live with it. It was triggered by milestones; the first week after, the first month after, the first birthday, Christmas, etc. And over time the triggers became less frequent and less intense so that it is now rare (after 26 years) to have anything more than warm loving memories of my father.

 

When my mother passed I expected it to be the same. But it wasn’t.  With her it was a vast loss that over time got less deep and easier to navigate. Now (8 years later) the main trigger of grief for her is when I have a difficult situation and wish I could call and talk to her and get her advice. 

 

But with my spouse the grief comes in something more like waves. The top of the wave is when I am feeling good and enjoying my life and the bottom is when the loss sucks all the light out. By now the top of the wave is lasting longer and the bottom isn’t as deep and occurs less frequently. But it still is a surprise when I fall into the trench and feel all that hurt once again. 

 

I’m also noticing that I grieve my spouse for different reasons now. Originally it was pure loss. But now I am triggered by things like giving away something that has symbolic meaning or grieving for something he did that I am now struggling to do on my own. Grief seems to change over time.

 

My observation reveals something that is probably obvious. Each grief is different. Each individual will deal with their losses in a different way for each loss. Everyone deals with a particular type of grief in their own unique way as well.

 

If you are questioning your response to a loss and comparing it to what you think it should look like or listening to what others think you should feel ... don’t. This journey is unique to you and unfolds in the perfect sequence for you to find healing. Take your time. Feel what you need to feel. Heal.